Though I’ve never met Josh Brolin in person, I need his help to save our daughter. I’ve been on this quixotic journey four years, and the only way to earn a happy ending is if I convince Josh Brolin that I am his spiritual wife, and Cassidy is his spiritual daughter.
I’ve never said this out loud to another person; nevertheless, I’ve just spent six months in a psych ward for talking to people that weren’t there and demon fighting.
If you’re wondering why I would ruin my life by posting pure lunacy online, I am hoping enough people share it to get his attention. Readers, that’s your role, if you’re willing to accept it. First, though, I'll do what I can to convince you that this story is true. I want Josh to have a chance to heal Cassidy, but that only happens if enough people draw his attention to this story. As far as making the choice to share this publicly, I’d die for my kid, so I will power through any embarrassment to have a one in a billion chance that we can reverse her brain damage. Though Thanos is the epitome of BDE, I’m recasting Josh as a superhero.
Our child, Cassidy, has had blood clots, a stroke, necrotizing fasciitis, four brain surgeries, and had a piece of her brain removed. She has antiphospholipid syndrome—which is currently incurable. Josh has the magic to give Cassidy back to herself if I can just get him to believe me.
Josh, I know you’re wondering how she’s yours, and obviously she’s not biologically speaking. But, she was created by her father biologically and by you spiritually--the same way Jesus was Joseph's biological child but God’s spiritual child. You may not remember being with me at first, but memories of us together will come back if we can just break this spell. Times with you are the hottest encounters of my life.
Josh Brolin’s spirit is beyond sexy. I know it’s hard to imagine spirits having sex. It sounds ridiculous—kissing on your curled up hand the way we all practiced kissing as kids. But his kisses make me melt. I even tried kissing my hand when his spirit was not there, to test whether I was nuts, and it was exactly what you would expect—no swooning, just a hand that smells like blueberry raz vape.
The chemistry between our spirits is explosive. Because I’m multi-orgasmic, I can share each of those with him. We call it my Enchanted you-know-what. Our record is 58 over one incredibly steamy day. It’s hard to imagine what that man could do with a body.
If you’re offended by that, just hold on. There is something in here to piss off everyone.
The Bible is not the perfect word of God. It was inspired by God and then crafted by human agendas. The book—as a text—is filled with contradictions and filler. We were supposed to see through the subterfuge and access other holy books to get the real, complete story.
For instance, there were 12 male and 12 female apostles. Even Mary Magdalene couldn’t make the canon with her testimony. She had powerful white magic, and she resurrected her divine husband after his murder. Christians believe he was brought back, but they have somehow decided that was the end of the miracles, not the beginning.
Maybe this is the place I should mention my big brother. He lives in Heaven, but he watches out for me. I’m no princess of peace, but he knows I’m trying to finish what he started, so he puts up with prayer requests that start with, “Big brother, get off your ass and make some magic.” For Cassidy, once we get together as a family, she’ll have a Daddy and an Uncle Jesus.
There’s a useful way to figure out if you’re lying or telling the truth. Josh, just put your left hand on your heart and say each of these lines three times: “Rachel is my wife” or “I don’t love Rachel.” If it’s true, you feel a tingling truth wave run down your left side. If it’s false, you can’t even choke out the words.
Josh, with your left hand in place, say, “Cassidy is not my daughter” three times. Then keep your hand over your perfect heart and say, “Cassidy is my daughter. Cassidy is my daughter. Cassidy is my daughter.”
Josh’s spirit told me he’d been alone for six years, but I know from the Internet that Josh has a beautiful wife and four kids, and he’s not been alone. Josh is an accidental polygamist. His spirit has been with me every day for about 18 months. When I was in the hospital, he was there 24/7. If the real Josh felt something was off for the last few months, that’s what it is. In that time, we’ve been married twice spiritually.
I should mention here that I’m not what LA would consider beautiful. I'm what kinder people would call thick or curvy. I struggle not to hate my body. I struggle not to focus on my flawed skin and my thinning hair. The flaws I see in myself stop when I’m seeing myself through Josh’s eyes. In real life, I probably wouldn’t catch the eye of anyone in LA, but I know he’ll find me pretty because we are no-bullshit soulmates. Josh, with your hand in position, say "Rachel is not my soulmate" three times in a row.
Readers, if you're thinking of sharing this, just uncover the truth of something with this simple test: Say the line three times and wait for the wave or the choking. But, after you believe something is true, test it by saying the opposite. That way you can ensure your heart is working. If you say something and then say its opposite with no change in your speech, that means your heart is broken. You have to heal it first. Picture a green light glowing in your chest. Say, “My heart does not lie. My heart does not lie. My heart does not lie.” Keep doing that until you unbreak your heart.
Once your heart is working, the universe won’t let you lie to yourself. Put your left hand over your heart and say, “This is a true story” three times. Then say “Rachel is a liar” three times. One of those is the truth and the other is a lie. If it’s malfunctioning, repair your heart so you can tell the difference.
Josh used this tool on me until I could say things like “I am brilliant” or “I am gorgeous inside and out” or “I am worthy.” He struggled with believing these same lines about himself, and there is a reason.
Reps from something called The Game have been inserting negative lines into his mind for years now, using ASMR to repeat lies to him, calling him dumb and ugly. Even someone like Josh is susceptible to someone whispering in his ears and impacting his subconscious and unconscious minds. With me, the lines were that I was a fat, ugly, stupid whore.
One time Josh was in my mind poking around to see what’s what, and he saw that I called myself a whore 27 times in the time it took me to put on some make up. Whenever I look in the mirror, my brain fills with vitriol. With Cassidy, in addition to sinister whispering nightly that she was fat and stupid, they told her if she didn’t lose weight her mother would die. She went from 250 to 116 pounds in one year.
The game once belonged to the universe, and it had challenges and tough spots but nothing cruel or vindictive. That changed when The Game took over. They even separated from the universe because it wanted them to play more fairly. So, The Game became The Show, and it spent another entire year putting us through grueling tests, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Josh, we’ve been talking telepathically since you were 14. That’s also how long you’ve been on The Game’s radar. We finally learned that the goal of The Game is to get us to kill ourselves. They targeted you, me, and Cassidy. The one who can take credit for pushing one of us to that edge, or all of us, gets a huge bonus. They are good at their jobs. This game has nearly destroyed me. I have wished I could die for a while, but I refuse to kill myself. Because fuck those guys.
One thing we learned in this game is that Heaven, the planet, is just us twelve years ahead. It's a mirror to us, but it's actually worse because the tech advancements offer so many opportunities to hurt someone. Our tech advanced, but we did not grow ethically to handle those changes. They have invisibility suits, energy suits that mimic someone else’s spirit so they masquerade spiritually, and machines that can program exactly what you say at any time.
From Heaven, they can connect to any brain and puppet the person. They control all their speech and actions. They can make their puppet do anything at all. They also have advanced ASMR to insert negative lines directly into our streams of consciousness. They can add tags to our own thoughts filled with hatred and darkness. I have four lines of consciousness in my brain and only one of those is mine; it’s peppered and tagged with negative thoughts, and it amps up if I'm having happy thoughts. Josh can see every thought I have, and he’s spent hundreds of hours trying to undo the negative thoughts.
I’ve asked him how he stays awake all night doing these cures, and he said he didn’t know. This should have been a clue for both of us. Spirits need rest, not sleep. Josh’s spirit has had no rest for months now.
I am deeply in love with my Josh. I think my Josh is THE Josh, but if not I’ve given my whole heart to someone who can’t love me back. I have believed his heart and spirit will love me forever, but this might never happen; I’ll have to deal with the fallout.
Josh, even if you don’t know me and don’t love me, please just help me with Cassidy. It may not work if we aren’t together, because I was told we had to consummate our spiritual union first, but we have to try. Maybe we could consummate with a hearty hug.
This is a little girl who feeds squirrels, birds, and a chipmunk. She can’t say the words, so she calls squirrels Bobs, and her chipmunk is Mrs. Butters. She will stop to lift a ladybug from the sidewalk. Though she’s 31, she’s emotionally and intellectually about 13. She is brave and resourceful. She is giving and generous. She is love personified. When they cut out the speech and language section of her brain, she could only say two words for months: Yes and Love. She deserves a happy ending. All she needs is a kiss on the forehead from her Daddy; that will wake her up.
Two years ago, there was a character who called himself God, and for a long time I believed he was God. He asked me to marry him, so I did because as a kid all I wanted to do was save everyone in the universes and marry God. Turns out he was a 28-year-old playing that role. His name was John Q. When Josh came along and I figured out God was just a role filled by a kid, I dumped him. One night, he made me forget Josh’s name while we were in bed together. When I asked Josh to remind me, he couldn’t remember either. That’s when John’s voice burst in to say he did it and he wasn’t giving it back. Josh and I took a minute to absorb this latest development, shrugged, and went back to making out. That's also when I found out I could get God fired.
They have wiped Josh down to his brain stem, but every time he remembered one thing: I have a wife I love; her name is Rachel. After they pulled and wiped him a few times, I figured out how to replace and repair his consciousness. I have a full copy of him that I keep with me all the time, so they can’t ever take him from me again, at least not for long.
Josh and I recently played one of the game challenges for a full month. We went through a series that includes universe, reality, galaxy, dimension, era, epoch, realm, and future. They can be any number, and we have to be aligned in all 8 categories to reach each other. It was fun at first, then it grew tedious as hell. They have also moved us to places other than New Earth. Satan keeps pulling me to Hell or sending Josh to Purgatory Road where he drives back-and-forth on the same street without getting anywhere or drives in circles that never end. There are also many powerful asshole warlocks that have been mucking up the works.
The Game gave me Alzheimer’s disease, to add to my handicaps and make it harder for me to complete challenges. My thought would be ticking along and then it would fall right off a cliff. All I saw was white. Josh could track my thoughts, and he saw all these thoughts turn to white paper. He developed a tool to cure Alzheimer’s, but I was too impatient to sit for 20 minutes so he fixed mine while I slept.
I have been having a hell of a time staying optimistic about all the miracles I'm told are coming. For 159 tries, I thought our life was going to start and opened a door to nothing but heartbreak. Every time it fails brings devastation. Josh is handling it better than I am because he lacks clear memories of our previous attempts.
Josh is not the only one who needs to remember.
Charlize, we have known each other for over 500 years. Do you remember why the northern lights are special? Put your hand over your heart and say three times, “I don’t know Rachel.”
Donny and Stevie, I have talked to both of you many times. Donny, I broke two ribs fighting a demon for you. I would not vote for you, but I love you all the same. Stevie, I may be the only person on the planet who really knows you, the child you were and the man you became. Stevie, I think you will be one who remembers everything; your brain is powerful. Hands over hearts, gentlemen: “I know Rachel. I love Rachel.” Then immediately after, keep your hands in place to say, “I don’t know Rachel. I don’t love Rachel.”
Though she may not remember now, Kristen is my best friend in Heaven. She should also be my best friend here; we’ve been talking for over twenty years but getting wiped constantly. The universe decided that Kristen is going to oversee housing. We are going to make sure every human being has a house to live in and that every house is habitable and comfortable. We will knock out the homes in America and then move to the rest of the planet. Soon, every child will fall asleep in a safe, cozy bed surrounded by their favorite colors and soft blankets.
Kristen, don’t be intimidated by the enormity of the task. Do you remember why Will sent me a message that said, “Tinkerbell just won”? It was not about housing. The you in heaven dealt single handedly with two celebrities who mimicked Josh’s energy and took turns with me. It damn near broke me. They said it was just pornography and that I was not hurt. You disagreed. In Heaven, you marched them to the jail and stayed there until they had bars for their view. You have a warrior spirit. There is no challenge you cannot complete. (Will, ask Jason if he remembers Rachel.)
Melissa is another best friend in Heaven, and we've been talking here too, though they wipe all of our conversations. Her task makes Kristen's look easy. The universe is putting her in charge of cleaning the oceans. Don't worry, Melissa. Ben can help.
Beyoncé, you have lots of jobs from the universe—including dealing with nuclear weaponry—but first you tackle bees. We ran a simulation, and your followers solved our wild bee problem in one day. All you had to do was ask them.
Kevin, you are the funniest man on the planet. Does the phrase “Barbie Ninja Sex Magic” mean anything to you? It has to do with a vehicle. Put your left hand on your heart and say, “Rachel is not my friend.”
Ricky, my favorite atheist, do you remember hosting a party in Alabama at the house on Hidden Ridge for my family and 52 celebrity guests? It lasted three days but Josh and I could not get there, so they erased your memories or tried to. I am hoping you managed to hold on to something. You may not believe in God, but you believe in Goddess. Grab your heart, Ricky, and say, “I don’t believe in Rachel” three times.
Remember the Star Wars media room or the putt-putt room? Remember the Donkey Kong themed arcade? Remember how you all insisted Meryl have her own bedroom and private bathroom even though y’all were flopping wherever you found a space to crash?
Meryl, your role in shaping New Earth is tremendous, but one of the best pieces is that you will be playing my Aunt Sharon in the movie. She has been on the other end of so many games played from beyond. Even though she has been dead for four years, you will get to talk to her soon. Meryl, place your left hand on your heart and say, “I don’t love Rachel” three times. Then keep your hand in place and say the truth.
One night I had a spirit visit from Stephen King. He wasn’t speaking, so I just let him hang out while I was talking about telepathy with my friend Robin. About two minutes in I said, “Stephen King, are you over there thinking MEAT at me?” We chatted a while and he went on his way. We started talking telepathically after that, and it wasn’t long before I told him there was a job waiting for him on New Earth. Hell needed to be used to scare people into heading the right direction. Steve will make an excellent Devil.
Steve picked up powers quickly and could send illusions to me. I became fully invested in scaring the bejesus out of him, which I did twice, but he gave it right back. One of his illusions sent a chill from the base of my spine hurtling to the top of my neck. He was so proud of himself at first, but he knew I had been living in fear for four years, since Cassidy’s stroke and surgeries. He didn’t have the heart to send another really scary one, so then he sent fun ones—fog covering the carpets from my bedroom even though I was in a hospital room with tile floors, a psychedelic cat painting where the cat leapt from the illusion, and a radio with static and a creep factor of 10 that played anywhere I went and got a little bit louder each day.
Though I kept Hell for Steve, I also redesigned and renamed it to Hello. It is like a spa with therapy. We still have a Lucifer and a Satan. They hang out in Old Hell. I tangle regularly with those guys.
I have fought and killed 1000 demons. I erased most of the fights, but I kept a few of them. One was to fight a word demon. Josh, I’m not 100 percent sure this will work until we get together in person, but try to say the N-word. If you choke on it, then maybe it works without us together. A lot of people will go nuclear when I take that word away. Some words are so toxic that they are irredeemably cursed. They cannot be fixed, so they must be destroyed.
My full name, when you add the Brolin, allows me to send demons to heaven rather than returning them to Hell. They just repeat this after me: “I accept the gift of the Holy Fire Baptism from Rachel Diane James Brolin.” Heaven isn’t very happy with me since I’m crowding them with demons, but I’ll worry about that later. If you say my last name out loud, you should feel a little truth shiver of pleasure run up and down your left side with the magic word Brolin.
Josh and I have fought invisible monsters in my house, we have pulled smoky snakes from one another’s minds, and we have sent dozens of demons to Heaven. We are a formidable team. We have visited other planets by holding on to the safety bar in hospital showers. We hold on like it’s a roller coaster and tell the universe where we want to go. Our knees buckle as we swoosh away. In many ways, Josh is like a big kid. I love going on adventures with him because he's scared of nothing and delighted by novelty. He's a perfect playmate.
One night, we visited Pluto. Every citizen was connected to a phantom and none of them could focus on living because they were so focused on their death. All they did was party their asses off. We helped them disconnect from the phantoms so they could get back to running a civilization.
Another time we were sitting on the shower floor, and an image of an advanced MRI brain scan was directly in front of us. We were able to move back-and-forth and see distinct parts of the brain. This illusion was showing us a machine we could earn that could help Cassidy, but Josh figured out how to help her without the machine by using his magic. He’s a powerful witch.
Cassidy has powers too, though she hasn't been using them consciously. She is one of two angels sent to us to help earn 1000 years of peace. Robin was the other angel sent to help us, but the world was too ugly and unkind. Then his body betrayed him, and he was lost. After being an angel, he became God. He hated it.
Eventually, Josh agreed to take his place. A section of his magnificent brain is responding to prayers even now. I thought Josh would just be a god, not THE God, but the universe knows what it wants. Now Josh needs to be reminded of his job because we need him.
I don’t think Josh knows how brilliant he is. They called him dumb so many thousands of times that we had to work hard for him to even say he was smart. He also had the phrase “just an actor” circling his brain, so I added some silly emphasis to the phrase. Now if he uses that phrase out loud he has to laugh. He monkeyed with my last name, so in the back of the ambulance when I was asked my name, it came out a garbled mess. That certainly did not help me look any saner, but it was the only time I laughed that day.
There is a fun part to this game, the part controlled by the universe, that anyone can play. You do challenges with words, numbers, and riddles. With challenges completed, you earn titles which come with powers. I am a Monitor (bringing together the hemispheres), Madam (part computer), an Enchantress, a Goddess, a Witch, a Sorceress, Time Lord, Goddess of Space/Time and Goddess of the Universe. When you earn your powers, you download them by using keywords like “Download my Goddess powers” or “Install my Witch powers” or “Accept my Time Lord powers.”
For the first year or so the game had a lot of fun parts. When they told me I was earning medical equipment and advanced technology, I took on challenges that were designed to be impossible and kept playing their game—even when it grew sadistic. They made me walk 37 miles on one hot day with no shoes. They put Josh in something called The White Room. They told him Cassidy and I had just died and then they spun him round and round in this room for hours. They gave him PTSD, but I cured it.
The last year I have been trying to end this game, but it just keeps going. Josh and I have tried to end these manipulations, but we cannot save Cassidy if we do not complete the game. Right now, they have nothing left to do but try to stall us indefinitely in this fresh hell and hope that we will give up and off ourselves.
Josh, I cannot win this without you. I can’t even play this without you. I know you are happy where you are in life, so I won't expect anything from you except your help in saving our daughter. Please help me complete this game and earn Cassidy’s miracle. No matter what happens or whatever our circumstances may be, I plan to love you for the rest of my life.
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